2002-07-01
Stream of conscience
Lets give it a try
eat poop. dont know what to write. tired want to sleep. want fat off. miss you already. wish i could take away both you hurts. had to stay away from you, hurts too much. you life is a disaster. you cry and tell me its horrible and i want to fix or say i told you so but i cant. im angry want you to go away want to forget about you. blue collar wanted more for oyu. no more pain for poopy. cant happen you made this. i got away dont blame me. what a waste. my doctor my momther my friend my sould matew gone, dead with her. she controlled you. owned you, your feelings, your thoughts you wish to marry. you wish to stay a little girl. a caged bird eventually stops trying to escape. im tired of mourning you..goodbye
i wish i copuld take you pain and wipe it clean. he doesnt know you loved him no matter what. he doesnt know what love is. doesnt know your the best thing that ever happened to him or ever will. you deserve better. i wish you could find someone who sees what everyone else who loves you sees..an amazing person who is everything we all dream to be. can you see what we see? i hope so. shared brain
that voice inside says im gonna be alright. tears to my eyes. im gonna be alright. guilt anger over leaving . abandoned. run away little girl. black under eyes running, bathtub holding myself, shaking all is a mess, future seems dim. emotions die a little more each day. heart turned to stone. he woke it up again, helped take away the pain. marks left on me visible to only me. cant scrub dirt off..never comes off. covered by expesive clothing and perfume, you can still smell it, taste it. dirty. cant repeat the same mistakes. cant be her. have to be better then them all.
have to find a way to make the dirt invisible to everyone..especially me. his parent dissaprove im dirty. not good enough. feel it sometimes. feel stupid, jealous full of rage oever what you had that i didnt. never knew a father or "normal" family life. no one cared how i did in school or what activities i was in. no one encouraged me at all. decided to make self dissapear when my body betrayed me and grew into your dream of a woman to hear his nasty words turns my stomach. food was my enemy. make that image dissapear. make that body dissapear. make leah dissapear. too lazy to notice she came back. very much back. comments hurt even more now. metablism slowing down cuz im 23 too old. gotta fight gotta keep fighting, have toi be able to do it alone can he understand? yes he wills me on. he knows my drive is greater then anyone else knows. he believes in me whether or not they do. he knows i will win. i will beat them all. i will be perfection, i will be rich in all ways. even surpassing the glorious mark that all worship and love. im dirty and hes so clean and prettyu you al love him so much dont you? im not good enough. even my blood love him. talk down to me. he loves me he sees me for who i am, hurt but not down by a long shot. will make it all happen. then they will all see. she came at the perfect time. i really needed her. she lite up a dark spot in me that was hurting and lonley. wish i could return the favor. maybe one day i will. both of you are the ones i need right now. him and her. you fill me up and love me no matter what. even if i use the word fag. why do i feel under attack all the time? why act like that? she was only saying she didnt like that word. why do i look down my nose at others who choose a different road? thanks robby. try to change but it takes time. shes a huge dissapointment to me, cant let that go. cant forgive dont want to see her ever again. want her to go away. leave MY family alone. you married your own. have them. vendictive. liar. useless a disgrace to all womanhood. you make me sick. want to throw up when i hear you speak. please leave me alone. i dont want to know how you are. go away. he told me a long time ago you were no good but i kept waiting for oyu to prove them all wrong but all you did is prove me wrong.
drink old woman. scream while im on the phone. live in dirt. keep it going but keep it off me. hang on to those "men" for all your life. what kind of example is that for me? you want more for me then you use it to hurt me by calling me stuck up, bitch, snotty. i am. glad to be snotty stuck up people arent dirty like you.
youll never change
you want to be him. he always had what you wanted, so now your trying to be him eh? whore. why would you want that? dont oyu see what he does to them? what lonely old men you can be together. stop now and you might be saved, his soul was sold a long time ago.
wow that really did help i feel great now! heeheh well if you guys were wondering what that was all about my bother told me i should just try to tap into my feelings more by writing again. so every now and then i will. there isnt anything here to hurt anymore just fleeting thoughts ok? dont like it dont read it. im out
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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