2002-07-10
Life is funny. The twists and turns it takes can take your breathe away. Some people only know what its like to have everything, while others only know struggle. Some people are born to be parents, while others want to be but dont have the heart. Some want to be accepted, while others try to be as different as they can yet still the same. Some search for a love that lasts forever while only finding heart break, and some have been loved but only have stone where the heart should be. I look around my family and friends and see everything that they have or dont. Then I think to myself how lucky I am to have it all. I know love, I give love, I have struggled, Ive had it easy, and I know who I am and what I want. You cant really enojoy the good without the bad. But oh well what the hell do I know right?
Mom goes in for surgery tomorrow. Im really scared for her. Nothing had better happen to her or I dont know what Ill do. We had to have "The discussion" last night about what to do if something goes wrong. She said she wants to be cremated and have her ashes thrown into the wind. I thought to myself, how sad that is that I wont have a place to go and visit her. That was then I got her point, she'll be everywhere and always with me, like she always is. I didnt want to have to talk about it and I felt really uncomfortable but at the same time glad that she was brave enough to tell me that. How do you tell your child what to do with you when you die? Thats got to much worse for her. We may not get along all the time and I may feel that me and my family are from different planets and that we have NOTHING in common, they are still mine and I am theres. Its so weird, right when I think I couldnt be anymore different then them, Ill see a flicker of something like my in one of my brothers like how Mike makes the same hand gestures as me or how Josh rocks you when he hugs like I do and Mom. Me and Josh have the same laugh and my and Mike both put our hand under our neck when watching tv. Its weird when you think about how much you really do have in common with your family. I thought that we were completely different but we arent, there are little things that we do. Its funny. I know everything will be fine tomorrow, Im just nervous. It really hurts that i wont be there to help her. I feel responsible for her, I always have. She calls me the responsible one. It tends to put a lot more pressure on me I think. You know though, thats life. Every family member has their role and mine has always been to try to fix her and watch out for her. As Ive gotten older Ive stopped trying to fix her, but I still feel responsible to take care of her. I know I always will and thats fine with me. I just wish I could be there to take care of her. I will be though in my heart. Awww Im gonna barf now. Hahahah ok bye bye
HAPPY LINK TIME!
about ~ archives ~ current cast ~ profile ~ rings ~ email ~ guestbook ~ notes ~ host
