2002-08-12
Remembering
Its a funny thing isnt it? Over time you begin to forget how bad you were hurt by others, then something can bring it all back.
A stupid song can bring it all back. All that hurt you think you buried is surfaced again. It never goes away, not this.
He was the only father I had ever known. Part of me misses him, misses that he remembered my birthday. Remember him being good to me. What a child will believe...
"You cant hurt me now. You once had the power I never felt so good about my self. I prayed for your anger to end. You cant hurt me now. I got away from you I never thought I would. You cant make my cry. You never wanted to live that way, you never wanted to hurt me, so why am I running away? Maybe some day, when I look back Ill be able to say you didnt mean to be cruel somebody hurt you too." A song, a stupid song I hadnt heard in a long time, can bring it all back.
I used to stand in front of the mirror with a kitchen knife and picture how wonderful it would be to cut off the parts he would look at. No more comments or stares. My skin would stop crawling everytime anyone looked at me. Cut it off. Make it go away. Just make it go away. Cant take it anymore. Get rid of it. So I did. No one understood the pain. Take back your power and get rid of this thing he looks at. Everyday I wanted to scratch off my own skin.
You would think getting help for what I did to myself to get rid of it would make me be ok now. It doesnt. Those feelings come running back everytime I look in the mirror I see him looking at my body and once again I want to hide. I want to cut it off again. That kind of hurt never goes away. I was just a little girl who you destroyed with every look and every comment. Cut it off make it go away. I wish I could go back, put my arms around her and tell her everything will be alright. You will be free one day. Life can be happy, you dont need to do this. Mom, why did you look the other way? You saw what was going on. Cold in summer, sick all year. Bones make up my body alone, you look the other way.
All I can say is I will fight harder this time to stay in control. Its there though. Its always there. I dont think I will ever be free of it. Its like my shadow, patiently waiting for me to feed into my addiction to starve.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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