2002-08-17
I know how it goes my kitty. Some days are just poopy and all you can do is sit there and think about why shit happens. Life hurts really bad some days doesnt it? Its good to stay positive like I know you try to do. What makes me smile is that I know Im not alone out here and neither are you.
On to my selfishness........
I feel consumed with thoughts about my weight and my face. I dont know how much longer I can wait to get my surgery. Its on my mind everyday. Every time I look in the mirror I cringe, I always have. You may say I have no right to feel that way but how happy are you with your face? Mine has always been that thing I wished I could change. And soon I will be able to. I cant wait, I really cant. I feel like Im barely hanging on some days thinking about the fat, the cellulite and when my face will be what I want it to be like. Hanging on. I really think Im going to push for January. It seems like a good time. Ill have plenty of time before school to heal up. Id only need about 2 weeks off of work. Mark wont care as long as bills are paid, thats all he cares about the bills. I dont think he understands how desperate its getting for me having to wait. Its all I think about besides my getting thin again. Thats another thing that keeps me awake at night. I was wrong, I thought I was off the pills a long time ago and had started only a year before. Well heres the truth, I started taking Nyquil around June 2000 in a month or so I was onto Tylenol pms, then by the end of the summer I was on Ambien. That then lasted till the next summer when I went on Elevil, which lasted till November 2001. Then I went to Excendrine pms till April 2002. No wonder my body is resisting everything Ive been doing, its been asleep for 2 years. It really hurts to think about how much I lied to myself about what I was doing and what was happening to me. Not just my body but myself. I put ME to sleep for 2 years. I was so depressed and alone that sleeping was the only comfort. Mom was the only person who saw what was going on and tried to stop me, but of course I didnt want to hear it. What an idiot. Well now Im going to be realistic about my body and the time it will take to make things right again. The fat will not come off in a few months, my body has been asleep far too long for that. Im going to have to keep at it for a long time. I hope by Christmas to see a fairly good change. I just need to wake it up again. These pills are helping alot and now that I just started to take the full ones I should be on my way to reversing what I did for 2 years. Its funny, I didnt even realize that I was taking those pills for so long. AND I didnt even stop taking pills till a few months ago! No wonder my body isnt ready to wake up yet. Its hard though, you work at it and you expect change to come fast and when it doesnt you get down on yourself, well Im going to try to not do that anymore. No more weighing myself and no more measuring myself. Im just going to go for it 5 days a week and kick ass. Hopefully soon Ill have a job that will keep me busy, happy and away from food to comfort me. I also want to make my own money again. I need to take my control back and thats the only way I know how. Plus extra money is always a good thing. Well Im outtie for tonight, Marks playing foose again so if anyones around call me k? Byee
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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