2003-06-25
Tonight I had the most honest conversation with my mother I've ever had. I think it was maybe the first time I was ever completely honest with her about how I was feeling. See she was upset because I wrote a horrible entry about her and said horrible things a while back. At first I didn't remember then I tried to deny it, then I just told her. I told her how angry I was that she brought Dale into my famlies lives and all the pain he caused and still causes to this day. I told her the truth about how angry I've been for years and hurt that no one stopped him and how I blamed her for letting it happen. I told her everything. But for the first time in my life she didn't react how I thought she would. Instead of blowing up on me and crying for herself like I thoguht she would, she accepted my anger and took responsibility for her part in what happened to my brothers and I. She said she's carried the guilt over that for years and has taken it out on herself for what happened. She said she was sorry, and thats all I ever needed to hear. It was like a dark shadow I hid my true feelings from her behind had lifted and pain and anger left with it. I'll never forget what happened to us growing up but I can forgive her now and it feels so good. It feels so damn good to not be so angry with anymore. In one minute she could erase all that bad stuff. I just needed to hear her say it happened, and she was sorry. When horrible things happen we like to hide from the truth and ignore it. I hid it my whole life. We all did, even her. I thought she didn't care or notice what we went through but she knew, she was ashamed. My mother doesn't like herself very much and it started a long time ago with her father. That hiding the truth carried over to us. Her, my brothers, and me we all hide the truth from each other. People always say how they are jealous at how close we are, but we really aren't. It's only a surface closeness that soon fades when that person isn't around. We say horrible things, we lie, we act like we don't care about each other. We don't call, we don't care. The truth is, we were angry and hurt and it's easier to hide it then to confront it. I hope and so does she that my brothers will tell her the truth about how she's hurt them or let them down because even though it hurts her, she said she's tried of hiding and wants us to be a real family, so do I. I'm never going to go back to pitter patting aroung her about my true feelings. Yes she messed up and keeps dating assholes who are horrible to her but shes finally realized what shes doing and thats a start. Don't we all deserve another chance? Will my brothers give her one? I hope so. She wasn't all bad by any means. She stuck up for me, protected me from myself, fed me, clothed me gave me anything I ever wanted but the one thing she couldn't give she can now, a real family. I hope my brothers call her when they read this and talk to her, cry to her, get angry let it out, and just tell her the truth. She won't break I found that out tonight. We need to be honest so we can heal it's been too long. We need to be the family we were on our way to being during those precious moments between Dad and Dale. We were happy then and maybe we can be again. She wants to make it right and she derserves the chance. I felt like I was talking to a different person tonight and now instead of my snickering and doubt and wondering when the next asshole will come along, I BELIEVE in her and that this time she will get it right. It's not easy to admit you messed up and hurt your children. That they have scars no one can see but you. She has a lot more guts then I ever gave her credit for. I wish I would have had the guts to come to her before instead of taking the cowards way and told you all in this diary. All I want is for her and my brothers to be happy and we aren't but for the first time in my life theres hope that we will be. Mike, Josh...she needs you to be straight with her and tell her the truth. Tell her that you are hurt and angry. Tell her so you can forgive and she can forgive herself. Everyone is broken in some way whether we can see it or not. You guys are broken too and so is she and so am I, but we don't have to be anymore. All we have to do is allow ourselves the chance to mend. I'm tired of being broken aren't you? Give her the chance I beg of you. Dad will never admit what he did or take responsibilty for his part, that is anger that we will carry and we all do every day. But she can say she was wrong, and shes not perfect. Shes human, she loved us, she never wanted us to get hurt, she deserves the chance to make it right. I know it might be hard to understand why she let it happen to us but its not all her fault. Its a cycle of abuse that started before we were born. It's not too late for her to help herself and all over us to mend. I hope you boys will give her that opportunity and yourselves. She didn't love herself enough to stop a madman but maybe with forgiveness she can begin to see that she is loved and needed. All I ask is that you talk to her. Please. I'm tired of being angry. Thank you Mom.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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