2002-04-21
Whoa! Yeah sorry about yesterday folks, I was having a super bad day. There are more things bothering me but for now I'm good I think. Yeah stupid people piss me off but what can you do eh? Id like to thank my Mikey mouse and Mommy for hearing my hurt and responding. Mom listened to me cry for 3 hours about EVERYTHING. Seriously, I was a mess. See my head and heart are very confused. I love Mark, hes the best guy I ever known as far as boys to date go. But I hate Colorado. I miss Michigan and so many things there like people, family, friends, school, knowing where I'm going when driving, hanging out at the Oak, seeing people I know almost everywhere, not being alone all the time. For the last 2 years I've been sitting on my couch wondering why I feel like doing nothing except watching tv, then last night everything made sense, I've been super depressed for 2 years. Thats why I couldnt sleep, thats why I got on the pills, thats why I gained a bunch of weight. I talked to Mark last night and told him I was unhappy and why and how I thought I'd be doing so much better if I went home. He said he understood, but neither of us want it to be over because its not like we dont get along or anything, we do great and we both are totally in love wiht eachother its just he cant replace everything I miss. And I cant stay unhappy just to keep him happy. Mark hates Michigan, he does not want to move back. He would be miserable there. And I'm miserable here. So do I keep him or do I go home? Thats what its come down to. I told him last night that id wait till we moved into our new apartment to see if things get better for me out here, and maybe they will but if not then I guess I'm gonna have to leave him and he knows that. And even though I said that to him and yes I am geeked about moving into our new place, I can still see myself being all lonely only in another place. My head keeps screaming "get out while you still can! you can go back to school, you can be a kid again instead of a house wife! you can have friends to hang out with if you leave! call your brothers to come get you!" but my heart sayd "why leave him? i love him, hes great, its not like our relationship is bad AT aLL" plus all the crap we share and the moving stuff, leaving him alone out here, even though I know he wants to be out here. Thinking of him with another girl. Never seeing my Marklar again...this is what keeps me here, I love him. Its as simple as that. Two years ago I made a decision to come out here, and I did it for him, now I want to leave but I want him to come with me. He wont, so now .................well I guess I'll try to hang out a bit longer and see if things get better, if I'm still miserable, then I gotta go. I keep wondering if he even wants me here. I dunno he says he does but he seemed to understand all to well last night when I said I think I have to go. hmmmm......shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Got any suggestions? ANYONE PLEASE! Help me.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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