2002-04-20
Had a bad day. Sometimes I can tell myself that this isnt permanent. It will go away, I wasnt ever meant to have any extra weight on me. I'm still pretty right? Then there are those days when you look in the mirror and all you see is fat all over your body. Only it wont go away no matter what I do. I can work out like crazy, starve myself eating rice cakes and carrots, and it wont go away. Its funny how fast people forget you were once skinny. Like your whole life you were 90 or under and this is just a temp thing. You didnt do it by sitting on your ass it was a whole lotta meds, but they dont see that all they and you see is fat. I cant even suck it in enough anymore to make it look like im still semi skinny. I was at the mall today and I kept seeing all these super skinny chicks givin me the look up and down when I was looking at clothes. I cant even rememeber what its like to have a hard time finding a 0 or 2 size. Now I'm strugglin into a 6. And yeah I know ive heard it from all of you before, a lot of people would love to wear a 6 but fuck off ok? You cant even understand what its like to take someones body, I dont care what fucking size you are and add over 40 fucking pounds to it and lets see how happy they are ok? It doesnt matter that technically im still in a normal size ok? i used to be a 0 now im a six..ok take it up a few notches so you fucking retards can understand ok? how about you were a size 6 your whole life and now your a 12..understand now? i went up 6 sizes, so dont fucking tell me how cool you think i still look or that i should be greatful ok? my pants dig into my hips leaving red welts ok? so it doesnt matter what size i am it still blows. this isnt me anymore. ive doubled in size and its killing me. im so open to hurtful comments now that anything sets me off. a look a stare a stupid stuck up cousin named densise acting like ive always been this way when she saw me at my cousin debbies wedding. people saying "dude you still look ok" fuck off ok? i was an idiot in high school, i had the perfect body and i always covered it up. i never wore make up or did my hair or wore cutie pie clothes..i covered it up and now its gone. i had a 17 inche waist..a size 0 pants. and yet i still had breats i was in a c. i was so cute and now look at me. it fucking gross. i hate going outside, i hate feeling like people are staring at me. and no matter what i do it wont come off. these fucking pills hang out in your body for almost a year after you stop taking them. so another summer of never swimming because i cant stand the thought of squeezing inot a huge full piece, no shorts because my thighs wrinkle from cellulite. my face doenst even look right anymore. i just want to hide here and not be bothered. this is killing me god why wont it go away. i wish i could cut it off my body or have it sucked out but im not rich. i wish i could make everyone understand what gaining all this weight has done to me. everyday i want to scream when i look in the mirror. i try to imagine whatmy body used to look like but even that memeory is fading. you can sit here and read this and think im whining or that i should be more upset about what you condier to be more important things and if so then all i can say is lets put 40 extra pounds on your small frame and see how oyu feel about yourself. i gotta go. no emails on this one ok guys? thanks
it was just a bad day.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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