Welcome to Happy Land!

Scarey
2002-09-03

joliecerveau.diaryland.com

Thats scarey. She has had just about the same life as me, we even both have fathers who are religious freaks and used to be preachers. My dads a baptist whats yours?

Isnt it weird how much you can have in common with people? You wouldnt think that when you first meet people but its really scarey sometimes. I know how she feels. Instead of Zoloft I was put on Elavil. I think thats how oyu spell it. Its so nice to know that someone knows EXACTLY how you feel. Man I wish she lived around here :-) That stupid drug and my family history is what had turned my life into a nightmare. I used to be a rage of anger like you too, but I dont know..I just got tired of being angry and sad all the time. Now Im trying to kick ass. Its a struggle. Like today I was working out and noticed that I have that roundness to my butt when I bent down to do these arms work outs. I saw how wide it is. I stood up straight and saw that with all my work the truth is there isnt really any change. My hope fades somedays then it will come bounding back with a vengance. I know I just have to keep at it and get this fat off and then I can fix my face and legs. I hope this trainer guy does the trick Im going to call him today I think. So you want to know whats wrong with my legs huh? Well Im 23 and I have a quite a few spider veins that can only be explained to me by 1. Its in my family, 2. Ive been on the pill over 10 years and 3. I gained so much weight that its hurtong my body physically now. Its really all 3 of those reasons because before I gained the weight I had them. So now I want to get rid of them. Thats not expensive thank God. Its about 250 bucks for the shots into my veins. I bet its going to hurt like a bitch but I dont care. I may sound vein to you because I want my nose fixed and my lips larger and my veins fixed but try to imagine this....everytime you look in the mirror you are horrified. There is cellulite all over your body, your fat, your nose looks like a ski slope with a big bulb at the end thats always red, your lips are super thin and your mouth is tiny and your only in your early twenties and you have gross old lady legs. Now can you people understand and stop mocking me for it? Maybe your just pissed of because I have the balls to fix it and you dont or maybe your scared of what people would say. Im not, not at all. Ill feel better about myself and more confident, why wouldnt I want that?

I really hope things start to turn around. Mark is going to have to bend on this shit becuase my patience is running out and so is my will. Everyday there is fat on me is another day I stay embarassed and want to hide. Everytime I see a pic of me and my lips are stretched so tightly over my huge teeth that they appear to be ripping (which usually they are) is another day I dont want to smile. I know I look fine the way I am to you, but I want more and I can have more so why not? So eat poop k? Heheheh

People really have weird feelings about PS man. They get all weird when I talk about it or mention it. Some people get angry at me like my brother Mike, he thinks Im fucking stupid. My mom changes the subject if I bring it up, she feels like Im ashamshed of how she made me, my friend Kat thinks its kinda weird and not something she would ever consider and at first was like "NO!" Why are people so uncomfortable with this? Its my body, my face so you can all eat shit if this makes you feel weird. Im going to do it, and I bet youll all want it done once you see what Ill look like. Hopefully I wont look anything like I do now. Its going to change my whole face and God I cant wait. I dont think there should be any shame in getting it done, people are just insecure with their own feelings.

Onto lighter things, Mark should be home any minute and I cant wait! I missed his squishy buns. He loves me and understands everything I feel and think, thats nice to have around when your feeling how I do everyday..defeated. But have no fear I will keep this up till I am 90 lbs again and keep it off. If only my metabolism would wake up! I know I put you to sleep for 2 years but wake the fuck up already! Like mom says "You didnt put it on over night so you cant take it off overnight." She always knows what to say. I just wish she could be a little more supportive of my decision to get PS. I wish ym family could be too. BTW Kat has come around and now is like as long as Im happy so dont think anything bad of Kat EVER! Shes my angel. Shes mine Im going to keep her forever :-)

Just a thought, if you are thinking of getting PS maybe you shouldnt tell people like I did. They dont react very well and are definately NOT supportive in anyway. You probably think by now people are more open but watch out. Bring that up and people go a little crazy. Just a thought. Poop!