How many times in life do you say "God I wish I wouldnt have said that". I do all the time. Everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong. I never know what to say to people. Then I try to be quiet and I still end up saying or doing something wrong to piss people off. When I was a little girl, I used to think God didnt like me. Why did I have such a hard life compared to most? Why are things still so hard for me? Why do I always feel like such a bad person if Im not or God doesnt like me. I still feel like God doesnt like me. He seems to like others more. Like Mark, hes perfect. Everyone who meets him thinks he such a great guy and he never says or does anything wrong. His life was practically perfect, maybe God just liked him more. My mom used to say I was satans child because I was such a bad kid, I really think she was right even though I know she was joking. I always felt like I was bad, I still do. I must be. Mark has a bunch of "friends" to hang out with and I have no one. I say "friends" all with quotes cuz he never tells anyone anything personal about himself. Think about it, all you who know him..what do you really know about him unless you heard it from me? Weird huh? I dont know how he does it. He only tells me personal stuff. Im like an open book "Ask and ye shall find out" but no one even seems to ask him. Why is that? No one ever asks him anything personal. Maybe its cuz hes a guy and girls are expected to be more open to other people especially other girls. I wish I could be like Mark and have no close friends just a bunch of people I can hang out with sometimes. I think thats better. I wish I never said or did the wrong things. He always knows what to do in any situation and I never do. Last night during his game I guess I was mouthing like "yes" and junk and a little was hissing out. I cant hear that cuz its too quiet even for me, but this guy he was playing was right next to me. He stopped the game and in front of everyone was like "Dude your girlfriend is breaking my concentration shes all like "yes " and shit." I as horrified. I didnt even know I was doing it. Of course Mark didnt stick up for me, but thats usual he never does. And you have to a lot when you are me and always say and do the wrong thing. Like one time his boss was all drunk and made a comment about my breasts in front of everyone and Mark didnt say anything that time either. I was so embarassed, I didnt know what I did to make him embarass me like that. I never know what I do to make people be mean to me. Thats why I think GOd like other people more I guess. Like when Marks mom says mean stuff to me, it really hurts and I dont know why she does that and of course Mark never says anything to to anyone, but I wonder why they do that to me? Whats wrong with me that people want to be mean to me? Why dont I have any friends out here? Maybe I should never tell anyone anything like Mark does then Ill get more friends. I can be all happy, good times Leah, like Mark. Hes just what people describe as a cool kid. I dont think Ive ever been described as that. I know my mom tells people Im a mouthy little shit when shes laughing and telling people about me. Who wants to be described like that? Maybe I am. I am mouthy little shit. Maybe I should keep all my opinions to myself and not tell people when they hurt me like Mark does, especially if it happens to me, he never says anything. Mark just knows how to act around everone so that they will like him, I dont know how to do that, but I want to learn. I dont want to be described like that anymore. I dont want people to be mean to me everytime I leave my house. Im tired of bad things always happening to me, and Mark never has anything bad like this happen to him. Ive tried to watch him and learn but honestly I wouldnt know what to say to people unless I had like lines already prepared. Maybe I should. Why do I always say the wrong thing? Why cant I be more like Mark? Hes perfect, everybody loves him. Im always wrong. Always say the wrong thing. Im not socially acceptable, not like Mark is. No matter what he looks like, with a piercing or not people still think hes sweet little Mark. His own family doesnt even know him like I do. I wonder how people would describe him if they knew what I know. I need to stop being me and be more like Mark around other people and reserve me for just him like he does. Then theres no one to describe you as a mouthy little shit or as just a person they dont care to know like I am. Maybe then I wouldnt be lonely all the time. I think Ill get an ettiquet (I have no idea how to spell that) book. Maybe then Ill learn how to be around everyone. Even this is wrong. I shouldnt be teliing everyone what I think. It shouldnt be all open like this is. Mark would never do something like this for everyone to read or if he did it would be all cute and be about foose ball or the games he plays. Never anything really personal. SO Im even wrong here. Everyone always likes Mark, I take a while to get used to. People arent sure what they think of me for awhile but everybody loves Mark, they always do. I want to act just like him and stop being Leah so that people will always like me too. I think I can do it, I just have to try to not have opinions about anything anymore. I have too mamy as it is, and no one cares what they are. Maybe if I copy his personality perfectly no one will be mean to me anymore and Ill finally make some friends out here. Some normal friends, not like the weird people Ive met so far. Maybe I shouldnt write on this diaryland thing anymore because Mark would never do that. And if I want to be like him then I need to start to act like him. But hes good at fooseball so thats why a lot of people like him. I need to try to be good at something too or how else am I going to get a bunch of "friends". Always say the wrong thing, maybe God really does like him more. I know what I tell people or act like embarasses him sometimes. He wishes inside that I wasnt so open with people, it gives them too much amo against me I guess. Plus Marks thinking is that you should only share you thoughts and feelings with the one your in love with and NO ONE else. Not even family because they can use it against you like.."mouthy little shit" see? He did eventually stick up for me after I said I was going to leave him. About a year after his mom said some really mean shit to me he told her not to mention my weight anymore because Im sensitve and his boss..well he told him it bothered him what he said about my breasts but his boss took it out on me instead. I guess they figured perfect Mark would never have said anything unless I had put him up to it, which I did. He wouldnt have ever said anything either if I hadnt made him but I was pissed off. Then we stopped getting invited out places with them and his boss started being mean to me by saying at the bar one night "Man shes got a mouth on her, doesnt it ever embarass you?" He said that to Mark right in front of me. Mark just shrugged with a smile. I felt about as big as an ant. Maybe if I was like Mark these things wouldnt happen to me. Its never happens to Mark. What could they say? He only talks about light hearted stuff like foose and video games. Think about it, have you ever had a deep conversation with him? NO! And you never will. But he has this way of making you never even think to have one with him. How does he do that? I want to learn so I can be just like Mark. If Im too quiet people will think Im stuck up or a bitch so I have to learn to immitate him exactly. Be funny, cute, smart, nice, but never let anything or opinions slip out. Dont ever be me in front of them. They will only hurt me when I do. I should have looked around last night and made sure I was acting exactly like everyone else was then that wouldnt have happened to me. Its not just last night, everytime I go out I get hurt by someone because of me being me. I shouldnt have went, I shouldnt go out till I master how Mark is. Never tell them anything personal, be cute and funny and never do anything wrong. I cant keep waiting for Mark to defend me, Im just wrong. Of course he wont defend me, hes not like that. That would go against everything about him to people that I told you about. Then he would be getting personal and telling people opinions. All eyes were on me last night when that guy Robbie did that, its not the first time I made a complete ass out of myself but I hope its the last. Im going to try really really hard to be perfect like Mark around people. Never make anyone upset or pissed off by me or something I did. Never embarass Mark like I did last night. You could see it on his face that he was embarassed for me and for him. I wasnt angry at Robbie for what he did, I was wrong to be cheering for Mark, I should have been like everyone else. Why didnt I see what everyone else was doing? Then that wouldnt have happened to me like it always does when Im out in public. Its like when Im with Josh my brother, everything I say is wrong to him. Hes always saying stuff to me about that. "Nice Lee, or why dont you say that a little louder? I dont think everyone in the restuarant heard you. Or wow your cool." That stuff only happens to me. Maybe God likes others more maybe I just need to learn how to act like everyone else. I need manners to know what to say and when. Keep all feeling and thoughts to myself like Mark, then I cant be upset that he never sticks up for me because then Ill never embarass him anymore or make him have to stick up for me because then Ill be perfect. I need to kill the mouthy little shit so no one will be mean anymore, so no one will be embarassed anymore, so no one will know me anymore they will only know that Mark attitude that everything is awesome all the time. Nothing personal. Only talk about light hearted things. Act just like Mark does then Ill be accepted. Poeple will like me then and Ill have friends too. Be cute and charming all the time. Never share opinions with anyone. Maybe I should stop writing on here, Mark would never do this and if I want to be like him then I should stop writing on here. Maybe I will. Unless I can learn to only talk about pleasant things like he does. I need to stop being me, it gets me into trouble and no one likes me, they all like Mark. I wont embarass him anymore or have to force him to stick up for me. I need to stop being me and be Mark, maybe God will like me a little more then.