Declaration of Leah2002-08-26
We found this great place to get wings from called Wings Stop. If you have one near you I highly recommend it! Man they are good! Im eating some right now for lunch heheh. I love chicken wings. I have no idea how people are vegetartians. Did I spell that right? Who knows who cares. I say kill all the chickens and put hot sauce on them! I love veggies too though, but as a side dish! Hahahahah
Last nights Anna Nicole was hi-larious!
Sorry Kat but its like a car crash, you cant help but watch her, shes so dumb.
Well Im changing my workout. I reached a plato. If you can 500 crunches and not feel a thing, its time for 20 pounds on your chest while you ATTEMPT to do about a hundred...starting tomorrow of course! Heheheh Im not doing an hour anymore on the stair machine either, that doesnt even bother me anymore, now Im only doing 1/2 an hour for cardio, then Im doing 6 sets of 15 in lunges. Yeah I probably spelled that wrong too, be patient with me Ive been out of school too long. Im also adding squats and chest presses to tighten up my big boobs that are starting to sag now thanks to getting fatty. My mom said this new workout should yield much faster results and burn off way more fat. Plus its hsould take less time because my friggen workout now takes about 2 hours 5 days a week! She said to by this one book and to alter arms and legs one everyother day, but I think I may go balls out and do both everyday because I think thats just for lazy people who dont want to have to work that hard. If Im way off here then please email me to tell me becuase the last thing I want to do is hurt my poor worn out body anymore. My mouth is on fire. Whew! These wings are hot! Damn you Marklar getting me addicted to hot food!
Ok I know your all waiting for me to resond to Sundays entry right? Well all I can say is I always feel like Im that idiod at the party that says some stupid joke that pisses everyone off. I didnt know that even Marklars say the wrong thing from time to time, he never told me. I just figured he was perfect and always did and said everything right. He never said that the mullets he plays with have gotten in his face a few times. It just seems like everytime I leave the house I find some way to make an ass out of myself. And being overweight hasnt helped my confidence. My mom was right "Skinny people arent the only fucking people who matter!" End quote..yup thats my mommy, isnt she great? She said some things to me yesterday that ate at me. Only she knows what to say to make me see what Im doing. She said that I am a mouthy shit and thats ok. Most people like to hear what I have to say because they are too afraid to say it themselves. And that just becuase I used to be a twig and now Im a little chubby doesnt make me a bad person and that she still thinks Im beautiful. That really helps when your over weight and everytime to look in the mirror your trying to picture you "normal" body you usually have. She reminded me that my old body is still there and it WILL be back soon. That this was a temporary set back. And that people who give you that line about your metabolism slowing down in your 20's are full of shit and obivously have never actually checked it out because its not even possible for it to slow down till your atleast in your mid 30's. That is unless your a fatty to begin with then yes youll have more trouble but no your metabolism hasnt slowed yet. She told me that she says the wrong thing all the time and thinks to herself "Man I wish I wouldnt have said that." That felt good too because I thought I was the only one who does that. I get around a lot of people then I get really nervous, especially if theyve heard "Dude Leah says the most funny shit you wont believe it!" I feel like I have to deliver, then it always goes wrong. Or Im just nervous around a lot of people and I begin to talk out of that nervousness and thats when I say something so stupid I beat myself up for it over and over again. Everytime I say something stupid I beat myself up for it way more then I should. Im a very sensitive person, I take everything you say to me to heart. I cant help who I am, Im just Leah. I say stupid shit, Ill tell you the color of my poop if you ask, sometimes even if you didnt. Thats just me. I cant help who I am, but Im trying to learn to love who I am on the inside then maybe after I lose the weight I wont still find fault with the outside. Dont get your hopes up about my nose oh yeah babe, its coming off!
So yeah, I say stupid things, I embarass myself all the time. If you ever talk to me face to face be sure to know that almost everything I tell you Ill be embarassed about it later. You dont have to worry I know what I say is dumb sometimes, so like my brother Josh does and corrects me..you really neednt bother, I already feel like an idiot most of the time. (Thanks you Brigett Jones) Im not Mark, I cant change my personality depending on who Im around. Love me, hate me or be grossed out, Im just Leah and I dont want to change that. So yeah Ill pick a boog if its bothering me or talk about my chunky period (grossed yet?) thats just me. Dont like it? Then dont read this diary and dont talk to me. But one thing Marklar needs to realize is whats the point of having a partner if you cant know that they will back you up. I dont know that with Mark right now. Time and time again hes proven to me that he wont. This is his last chance. You heard it right here Diaryland, we are done if hes going to stand there and let someone disrespect his girl. I understand that from his point of view sat night it didnt seem to be disrespectful, but there have been plenty of other times. Thats the price I pay for being me, people will attack what they fear, a woman who speaks her mind and will tell you ANYTHING you wish to know. He has to act and thats all, no more broken promises no more being mousey about it. My mom was wrong, Im not hanging onto Mark for any tid bits of love he will throw my way. Dont worry mom I wont make the same mistake you accused me of doing last night. I wont have 3 kids in 15 years and be trying to figure out how to leave him. If he cant do this for me then we're just done and thats that. A promise means nothing anymore because its been broken too many times. Hes on his last leg and he knows it. He said one thing that I definately can understand he said "Its hard to know if youve been offended because what we see as rude are 2 totally different things. You get upset about anything." I can definately understand that but he also knows that sitting there while his mom and sister who arent all that skinny themselves, tell me at one Christmas dinner in front of all his family that I looked fat in a picture we sent home was wrong. I need to learn to stand up for myself too. I seem to be in too much surprise when it happens. Mark and I are ok even though I know it may look like we arent. Hes a great guy that I love very much. Hes the only one who can really see me, even those small places you hide in yourself so that no one knows is there. He gets me and thats hard to find and I get him. And even though he may not know that if anyone says anything to me I take it wayyyy too far, thats ok because thats not his fault its mine for being such a sensitive person to the point of being ridiculous. He cant rescue me from every hurtful comment, I need to remember how to take care of myself too. Its not all on him. I say horrible things to him when we fight. Ive called him everything you can imagine, even some things Ive said about his own mother make ME cringe, but in it all hes never once said it back to me. Mark has never called me a bitch or anything like that. He'll just sit there and take my blows one after another and they just keep coming, its like theres always more. I think sometimes I blame him because his life was good compared to mine. I cant do that, its not his fault. And maybe God doesnt like him more, maybe Mark was right, maybe he was just lucky. But I do believe with all my heart that Mark Madej is my soulmate and the only guy I would ever consider going through the barbaric custom of getting married to. Hes been working on me, maybe when we are 30 he will have conviced me to make it legal and maybe squeeze out a puppy who knows? Life is long.
I do still wonder though, why it always seems to me that people are mean to me. Maybe its because I have low self esteem or maybe its just cuz people fear my ideas, I dont know. I do know that I started to lose my thicker skin when his boss asked him if he was embarassed by the type of things I talk about if asked. That was the first crack. The rest just poured in with each comment to where I barely talk anymore to anyone about anything. Im tired of watching everything I say. Well that hasnt been working for me either so you know what? The mouthy little shit is back and here to stay. I say what I want Im not a fucking mouse, I talk about gross shit and fart and pick my nose and yes I think poop is funny and yes I play with Barbie dolls I have a whole house of them that I decorated and if you dont like it you can eat my nasty chunky bloody pad Im wearing right now. Byeeeeeeeee!