2003-10-12
This weekend blew. I'm in a funk of a mood today and I need to get out of it real quick. Everything and everyone is annoying me. I need to just stay the fuck away from all of you for a while because my mood is rubbing off on people. I wish I could take a trip like Eddie does and drive somewhere. God that would be awesome.
2003-10-11
Today is so pretty. I must go.
2003-10-09
Well tonight I was messing around with Kazaa looking for all the old songs I used to have on my other puter when I came across this old Mariah Carey song and jesus I was stunned at how everything in this song is EXACTLY how I feel. God music is crazy sometimes.
Mariah Carey-"Breakdown"
You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me
But that you're just not in love
Immediately, I pretended
To be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was OK
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
So, what do you do
When somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection
Is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I Will Survive"
Do you lash out and say
"How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain
As they just slip away
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
Well, I guess I'm trying to be
Non-chalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality
I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually, I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that that I'm suffering
So, I wear my disguise
'Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry
2003-10-09
I see all these couples all around me falling in love and just starting out their lives together. They seem so happy and full of joy and I hate them. I want to hurt them all because my heart feels like it has been ripped out of my goddamn chest and stomped on and I can't breathe. Seeing them all huggy and happy makes me want to scream at how unfair it is. I know I should be happy for my friends but I'm feeling very selfish right now and wallowing in my own pity and hurt. Why can't I just make this pain go away? Why am I doing everything wrong? Why do I want you to care about me when I know you never will and I'm not even sure I care about you like that? Am I just lonely? Too many questions to contemplate. I need another park night at Bishop to think abotu my life.
Listening to Johnny Cash's "Hurt" a lot lately isn't helping either. Right now I feel like no one will ever love me again and I will never allow myself to get this hurt ever again. I need to be around more people who are going through what I am instead of single people who enjoy whoring around like Joe or happy couples who are all giddy and make me want to kill myself. I guess it's just you and me Jimmy.
2003-10-08
Fucking assclowns. Stupid ass I'm dealing with for car is fucking around with me and I'm starting to develop murderous rage towards him. Last night I had a dream I met him and stabbed him in the ass with a pitch fork then just for kicks let my cat poop in his mouth. Yeah that'll learn him to fuck with me...yeah.....
2003-10-07
I was driving home this evening and I couldn't help but notice the moon. it's like it was calling to me. I went outside when I got home and stared up at it. All of a sudden I felt like everything was going to be ok and I just have to follow my heart. Things are gonna get better.
2003-10-07
So the stuff with my brother is over with, which is VERY nice. I hate fighting with him it sucks balls. Mike and I are just too fucking much alike and it gets us into trouble. I got my first microdermabrasion treatment today and it was pretty cool. It didn't hurt at all which was nice but now I feel like I have a little sun burn on my face but oh well.
Man it's hard dealing with all this shit going on in my life now. I just want some flowers. Some nice daisies or something left on my car by some person with no note just sitting there for me when I get out of work or when I go to my car in the morning. I just want some flowers. This has been extremely difficult trying to understand what has happened to my life in the past 2 months. I guess I just need time to sort it all out. Break-ups suck. What are you supposed to do when your life has caved in on you? Any suggestions? Drink? Yeah I thought so.
2003-10-03
So I'm off tonight to go out with some pals. Shoudl be a good time. I hope better than the other night. Sucks I have to work every fucking saturday at the crack of dawn but oh well I can hang. I started a new diary to get out my feelings abotu junk becuase I really can't here but I love this diary so I will keep both going. Ok, off to kill some more brain cells.
2003-10-02
I'm actaully staying home tonight and not getting shit faced. I know you want to crap your pants.
2003-10-01
I miss you my friend. I miss your comforting arms around me. I only wish I could have loved you how you wanted to be loved, you deserve that and you will find that one day and so will I, I hope. I need to run and be free right now and live. I can only hope you will do the same and enjoy life and have no regrets from us except that it just didn't work. I still wonder if I will ever find that someone whom I can love and will love me inspite of all my faults. If i can learn to love myself inspite of all my faults then maybe there's a chance for me one day too?
2003-09-29
I'm bleeding so bad this green week that by the time I got out of the shower today and over to the sink (right next to the shower) I had left a blood trail. I think I'm going to bleed to death.
Best line ever...
"I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die." That's right, I went there.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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