2004-06-24
Jesus that's hot.
2004-06-13
So many times its ran through my head what I want to say in here but I never seem to find the time anymore. I'm in love. I never thought it would happen to me again but its true. He has opened my eyes to so many things and yes I have changed some views. Not all of my crazy views mind you:-) But yes some very major ones have changed. I've learned to never say never and that people, even me are capable of change. I've always been open enough to listen to others but thought they'd better bring a damn good argument for their side of issues if I was going to be persuaded. He has done that without ever saying a word. I have carried the guilt over leaving Mark for so long its like an old coat I keep wearing even though its torn and tattered. I don't need it anymore or my feelings of worthlessness. I'm not just some poor downriver girl who somehow by the grace of God found some guy that was perfect and wonderful who I felt took pity on me and dropped his standards. I am Leah Boyd and I think thats a good thing. The last couple years have been tough and I feel have left me somewhat hardened and withdrawn but Im fighting my way back to the goofy bastard you all know. I miss her. But most of all I am happy. More happy then I think then I have ever been in my entire life. I feel stronger and stronger each day to venture out into the world and do something new. My fears are slowly slipping away. If it hadnt been for my courage to try I might have never met him. I walk past a window now and don't cringe at what my reflection shows. I speak now after thought and don't just let it fly out and smack who ever is closest. But I know what you all are wondering about..did she change her views of marriage? Yes I did. I get it know. I guess I just couldnt get past the history of it to see that it is a beautiful way of proclaiming your love and commitment. So I admit it I was wrong. I had read so much about it that it had lost all of its romance for me and left me feeling angry. There is still much about the whole ceremony I do not agree with but to make that ultimate commitment as Tina put it is a beautiful thing that I hope Erik and I will do one day. Yes I want to marry him. I knew it the first time he looked into my eyes and said "Olive juice".
2004-05-25
Have sweeter words ever been spoken? I don't think so.
2004-04-22
Phone messed up, car messed up, computer messed up.
2004-04-14
Man today sucked a monkeys balls. When I went to leave today for work I noticed a flat tire. I had to drive ON THE FRIGGIN RIM to get to the tire place. They fixed it but I was late for work which I called but still it blew. It was 70 friggin dollars for an new tire and I'm broke! UGH! Why God why? Then after work I went to go tan and I burned my ass cheeks! Thats right folks, Leah's buttcheeks are RED. Today blows. I'm going to bed.
2004-04-13
I have so much on my mind right now and most of it is about money. I hate this. I need a miracle. God please send me a miracle to help me get out of the money pit. Everytime I think I'm getting out of this dark hole that the whole Earth has sucked me into I fall deeper. I think I can grab onto a stick or some dirt but only my finger tips touch it. I just keep falling. How am I ever going to get a place of my own and I thought I could do it in a month? RIGHT. I realized today thats not going to happen and I hate it. It just feels like the world is caving in on me. I need some flowers. I would love to walk out of work and see flowers on my car no note, just flowers. But that only happens in the movies. I just wish I could do something to make myself feel better like get to go get my damn hair done, but I don't have 200 bucks, do you? Something simple like getting my hair done or getting some flowers would make me feel so much better and I can't even do that for myself. Jesus I need to quit whining and feeling sorry for myself, here's a problem and I need to find a solution. And that is all. So find it.
2004-04-05
I was looking up at the moon tonight when I got home. It was bright and full and seemed to take up the entire sky. I found myself remembering all those nights when I felt like a prisoner and I would stare up at the moon and wish I could be taken away. So many nights I looked out that sky window from my beautiful palace and stared at the moon and wished. I would beg for the courage to do what I knew I had to, be freed. So many nights I felt alone and afraid. I had lost who I once was or so I thought. But tonight was different. I didn't look up at the moon and want or need to be freed. I didn't wish for happiness or feeling like my own person. I just looked up and said "Hi old friend, thank you for being there." So many nights of loneliness and feeling unsure have all gone away in such a short time. I feel like I have found the girl I used to be and am growing into the woman I want to become. Watch out kids, Leah's growing up. FINALLY. (burp)
2004-04-04
Religion has been on my mind for some time now. Seeing that movie helped me to understand some things and question even more. Mom and I talked a long time today about her beliefs and I think it was good. She always gives it to me straight and I trust every word from her mouth without question, she doesn't lie to me. Now if my Dad offered advice or talks to me about religion I turn a deaf ear. I cannot trust a man who has turned something so beautiful as God into a hypocrisy to fit his own needs and bends it to his will.
My mother has always given great advice and I've been smart enough to usually listen. She gave me the best advice of my life when I was very young one night and I think she was thinking about her life and where she was. She turned to me and said "Leah don't waste your youth. You are only young once. Use your 20's to get to know you and enjoy yourself. See whats out there and take it all in. If you decide to get married or have kids then do it later there's time for that later. Use this time for yourself, you'll never get it back again." At the time I didn't get it but I agreed. I could see it in her eyes that she wished she had gotten that advice herself but I know she doesn't regret me or my brothers but I know she wishes she would have had more time to be a kid. She's always looking out for me and I love her for that. Thanks Mom.
2004-03-21
So this was a weird but fun weekend. Tomorrow i find out my fate for this new job I hope. Please keep your fingers crossed. God please just give me this little bit.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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