Bob McGoogle

Pain? You dont know what pain is!

So Im sitting in bed this morning not really feeling anything about this day of hell ahead of me. I get up, I eat my oakeymoke and get ready. We get to the dentist and they jab me in the mouth about 4 goddamn times with long ass needles to "ensure" that I am numb. I think it was because I started gagging when the dentist came in and asked him what God awful cologne he was wearing, that was my first mistake. So I sit there for like a fucking hour before Ghandi decides to get his lolly gaggin ass over to me and fit me for my crown. Hes drilling, Im sleeping then he starts fucking singing this Christmas song but his voice is like someone stuck a fucking knife in my ear and is twisting it around and around. Of course I say something like "Jesus thanks God you never became a singer instead of a dentist huh? Ha ha..Right?" No. He didnt seem to agree with me. He walks away while I have gaze and blood in my mouth and starts on another patient so I get to listen to Leigh the nurse, tell me all about how horrible her 3 kids are. Then while Im choking on blood and gaze I try to spew out something like, "Then why didnt you just drown them like they do cats? Or theres the ever popular hanger method." She didnt seemed impressed that I was actually listening to her. I sure was surprised cuz I was trying to picture myselfstabbing her in the forehead or back in my cozy warm bed with Marklar and the felines. You know what? Dont tell someone like me how horrible your life is if you dont want to hear my solution to it k? You left it open, I threw out a thought, done.

So the dentist horror is finally complete and we head downtown to get my ID card for school. The girl takes my pic and its like Im swollen with a hundred beestings and trying to look constipated at the same time, not a good picture of me.

We finally get to my doctors appointment and the dr who is really fucking cool turns out to be a goddamn liar like everyone else who told me that getting an IUD isnt that bad. You are all liars, yes even you chicky! First she jams this long ass metal thing in my hole and I feel this twisting burning, churning, cramping pain like Ive never felt before. Im climbing off the table screaming and crying, begging her to quit. Then she says, "Ok heres the bad part..." The bad part? WTF was that, the easy part? I thought I was going to stab that metal thing in her eye if she didnt take it out of me! Then she gets the actual IUD thing and puts that fucker in. OH MY GOD. Tears coming down my face, a horrid scream ripping through the hall ways and then its done and I am left with the worst fucking cramping Ive EVER had in my whole shitty little goddamn life. I sit up wanting to run the fuck out of that torture chamber and low and behold the room begins to spin. I lie back down as shes calling for a nurse. They take my blood pressure and its bottomed out. Im blacking out at this point. Its getting vewy vewy quiet cuz Leahs passin out! Edhedhedhedhedhed They put wet towels on my face and start to rip off my coat. Sweat is dripping off of me and all I can smell is my stinking burrito smelling armpits stinking up the joint. Do I ask for water? Do I ask for pain meds? NO! Im appologizing for smelling so bad and they are laughing at me. Nice. Im dying in pain and reeking like rotten burritos and they are laughing at me! Im dying you dicks do something! Urgh. So I finally get home after making Mark stop about 4 times because I was about to faint everytime I stood up. I get into bed and he brings me a slurpee and a heating pad. Thats pretty much been my day from there on. So Im cramping really fucking bad, shitting, eating a sammich(yes I spelled that right, thats how we hicks out in CO say it thank you.), whining cuz I have no cheese, and begging God to make these cramps subside a little. Isnt Mark so sweet? And he didnt even try to kill me once today, awww. My mom said she knew it would be a lot more then a cramp but she didnt want to scare me and Im glad a reader of mine didnt tell me the truth either or Im afraid I wouldnt have done it, thanks. You want an IUD, listen to me...... its worth it:-) No worrying about getting knocked up for 10 years! Thats worth all the pain in the world! Yeah fuck yeah!


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