| And to think...it all started with my dreams.2005-07-06
Hopefully everyone has stopped reading by now so I speak freely. That wasn't my intent when I stopped writing in here I just didnt have anything to say. Lately Ive been doing a lot of searching about life and why we are here and whats after this? I went through all the books from Christianity to Wicca to Novus Spiritus. I do know that I have no one to talk to about these matters. Tony doesnt have time or care what I think about these things. I have learned that God is true and all loving and I will never find God in Christianity, which was built on lies, fear, rape and mass murdering. A good book to read especially if you are secure in your christian faith is The Darker side of Christian History. Quite the eye opener. According to what I was taught in a christian religion God had nothing but pure disdain for me and I was bound to burn in hell. By merely being born I was horrible and doomed to burn in the lake of fire. i began to believe at an early age that God hated me. I was and am nothing. I was a mistake that my father reminds me of everytime he sees or talks to me. I am not good but that which is the complete opposite. This is our christians. Some of the worst and most evil people I have ever met have been christians. They judge more then the almighty does. They preache more then the almighty does and they hate which the almighty could never do. I dont know which religion is right but I know christianity is not for me. I began reading a book by Sylivia Browne and it was like a light went on. I didnt feel so alone or abandoned or hated anymore. My anger left my body and I felt compassion and love for everyone including myself. And for the first time in my life I felt hope. But I hadnt read enough yet to sustain it against accusations that it was all nonsense and did not make any sense so I allowed Tony to take away my happy feeling I had after reading her book. Now I feel even more so alone and empty because I now know what being happy, really happy can feel like. I feel abandoned by Tony and by God. Theres no one to talk to. I think what Sylvia was trying to tell me was I have to talk to God and be secure in my convictions and let no man take away from me my safety, my sense of self or my God. How can one marry someone who doesnt listen or care? How can one marry another who mocks their beliefs? I'll pray for the answer to come to me but I want to hope there is a way to resolve it and bring back my happy feeling and carry it all my life and have someone to share it with.
HAPPY LINK TIME!
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